By Howard Jacobson
Marvin Kreitman, the baggage baron of South London, lives for intercourse. Or at the least he lives for ladies. at this time he loves 4 women—his mom, his spouse Hazel, and his daughters—and is in love with 5 extra. Charlie Merriweather, nonetheless, great Charlie, loves simply the only lady, also referred to as Charlie, the spouse with whom he has been writing children's books and having great intercourse for two decades. as soon as every week the 2 neighbors meet for a chinese language lunch, contriving by no means relatively to have the dialog they want to have—about constancy and womanizing, and which makes you happier. till this present day. it's Charlie who takes the harmful step of requesting a bit of Marvin's disordered existence, yet what follows embroils all of them, the other halves at the very least the husbands. And none of them will ever be an identical back.
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Cannae stick a cunt thit rips oaf his mates, Lenny snarled. – Whin ye think aboot it though, it's Granty's poppy. He kin spend it oan whit he likes, Jackie said. They looked at him with bemused belligerence. Eventually Lenny spoke. – Away ye fuckin go. – In a wey though, the cunt won it fair n square. Ah ken what we agreed. Build up a big kitty wi the club money tae add a bit ay spice tae the caird games. Then divvi up. Ah ken aw that. Aw ah'm sayin is thit in the eyes ay the law. . Jackie explained his position.
Ah telt ye, ah've goat tae fuckin nash. Me n Lexo pulled a bit ay business oaf. Ah'm sayin nae mair oan the fuckin subject, but it's best ah disappear fir a couple ay weeks. Any polis cunts come tae the door, yuv no seen us fir yonks. Ye think ah'm oan the fuckin rigs, right. Yuv no seen us, mind. – But whair ur ye gaun Frank? Whair ur ye fuckin well gaun? – That's fir me tae ken n you tae find oot. What ye dinnae fuckin well ken they cannae fuckin well beat oot ay ye, ah sais. Then the fuckin boot gits up n starts fuckin screamin it us, saying thit ah cannae jist fuckin go like that.
Cunts that are intae baseball–batting every fucker that's different; pakis, poofs, n what huv ye. Fuckin failures in a country ay failures. It's nae good blamin it oan the English fir colonising us. ah don't hate the English. We are colonised by wankers. We can't even pick a decent, vibrant, healthy culture to be colonised by. No. We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? The lowest of the fuckin low, the scum of the earth. The most wretched, servile, miserable, pathetic trash that was ever shat intae creation.