By Tucker Max
Assholes end First is Tucker Max's deliciously dirty collection of twenty-five true tales of sex, ladies, and wildly exciting depravity.
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Example text
In order to solve this problem, the people in charge make grad students camp out in a field to get into the lottery for the chance to get tickets. They expect you to spend a weekend sleeping in dirt and checking in every time they blow their whistles, like a fucking homeless kindergartener. You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? This is taken directly from the Duke grad student website: “Welcome to Duke! Let’s get right to the most important issue on your mind: How can YOU get season tickets to this year’s men’s basketball games in Cameron Indoor Stadium?
Hate “Break it. Or set it on fire. ” GoldenBoy “Aren’t you just gonna get drunk, yell at people, and not worry about consequences? ” At 7pm they blew the whistles for the first check-in. The Head Campout Nerd was giving instructions with one of those tiny little megaphones you can buy at Home Depot. He saw me and came over all excited, like we were friends: Nerd “You have a bullhorn! ” I immediately saw this encounter for what it was: my first chance to assert dominance over Campout. In the most condescending tone possible I said: Tucker “Aren’t you the cutest!
As I opened the door to go in, I recoiled in terror. Tucker “OHH! ” He started walking away, like everything was just fine and dandy. Tucker “Hey you, come back here. ” Thus is the power and authority of the bullhorn: The guy actually walked back to the Porta Potty and took a sniff. ” Tucker [angry astonishment] “Yeah, so? ’ That is felonious assault on a toilet. You have raped my olfactory senses. ” Had we not been drinking for 24 hours straight, and had I not conquered an entire city the night before, I don’t think I would have tried this.